I am still depressed and anxious. Not as bad as yesterday or the day before, but still had IBS this morning and headache (rebound from the hydrocodone?). I have not had a call from Sabrina in a week. She didn’t even call on Thursday when I rescheduled our appointment with John because I felt awful. I would have hoped that she would have called to see how I was feeling, but she’s just not that type of daughter. She and I are so distant. I wonder how she really reacted to John’s diagram of her belonging to 2 families. I don’t think she sees it that way. I think she believes 1 family and that is her nuclear family. She really doesn’t care about extended family, even immediate extended family. No, that’s not entirely true. She cares about her half-sister and keeps in touch with her father, but she comes to me when she is in trouble or needs help. But unless I’m needed, I might as well be living on the moon. I’m not on her radar. It was true before Clint came along.
The summer I moved down here from Austin and stayed for a bit at her house, it was fine that I house-sat while she went away for a week, but when she starting going out with Kris, she wanted me out immediately. It wasn’t as if I was in her way. I stayed in Cassie’s room when she came home from work and bought food, and cleaned. I think she wanted Kris to stay over and didn’t want me there. She HAS to have a man! Bottom line. That’s her priority.
And on it goes. I am apparently just waiting for her to call and help her with something. But help me? Heaven forbid! When I first moved in here at Providence, she was going to come over and help me unpack and get my house set up a couple times a week. But she met Clint and has NEVER come over to help, even when I asked for help in moving some furniture, she had never come. Now it’s been 3 years, and my house is a filthy, cluttered mess, and I wish I had the energy and motivation to clean it up, but I don’t. The girls would help (for pay, since they get no allowance), but I’m embarrassed by the condition of my place and live in fear that management will find out how bad it is and evict me. As a Muslim, I should be keeping everything very clean, especially with a dog that I technically shouldn’t have as a Muslim, but I never feel good and never have energy nor motivation to clean. (Also it’s difficult, but I can NOT let Ernie go. Sort of like how Catholics all practice birth control but shouldn’t.) I looked at my place yesterday and realized I can barely walk in here, to say nothing of the animal hair everywhere. And I am sad and depressed over Hannah, whom I know is slowly dying. If I take her to the vet, it will cost a fortune and I know they can’t help her really anyway. She has lost so much weight and isn’t eating. So sad. She is 17 1/2 years old and lived a good life. I can’t fight her to give her meds every day for the rest of the time she has left. I just want to love her until it’s time for her to go across the Rainbow Bridge.
So I’m sad and depressed and anxious. I don’t feel well, and miss my daughter. I wish she missed me.