Emotions Go Up, Emotions Gi Down

It’s Saturday. It’s funny. I sleep okay, probably due to my meds, but as soon as I awake, the dreaded anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks. I’ve had to take 1.0 before the anxiety becomes bearable. I ask myself why I am so anxious. Why do I feel so scared all the time? I haven’t really taken the time to explore the question and really find out what I’m so afraid of. Maybe I should.

I am hoping and praying that I will be able to get myself out today. The Qur’an Study class meets at 5 pm, and the Saturday program begins at 7:30 pm. I know that I NEED to get out, to meet people, to make friends among believers, but my fear, anxiety, and depression seems to keep me paralyzed and trapped. I want to go to the Reading Circle tomorrow, too. Allah, please help me!

I started to re-read the letter I wrote to John last night. I see that it is a bit disjointed and needs to be better organized. But I don’t know if I can deal with that just now. I have to do it before Monday, so I can drop it off and make an appointment for Sabrina and me. Having another session like the last one will just push me over the edge, I know. I can’t go through that abuse again. And I somehow need to make that clear to John.

I am just so sad and depressed and feel so hopeless. I had planned on doing some cleaning today, but I just can’t do anything. I did read a little. I guess that’s better than just lying on the couch all day. Not much better, but a little.

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About mairedubhtx

I am a "youngish" grandmother of 15 year old twin granddaughter who has recently (is a year "recent"?) adopted Islam as my way of life, much to the consternation of my family. I love to read. I love to write. I am writing a book about my decision to revert, about my spiritual journey. I have another blog about stories from my youth, my parents, and grandparents. It's a blog so my OCD daughter will not be able to throw it out when I die. I suffer from depression and anxiety, for which I am treated, so my posts may be a bit dark at times. C'est la vie.
This entry was posted in anxiety, being with people, depression, fear, reading. Bookmark the permalink.

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