I went to see John Sherwood yesterday. It was so upsetting that I couldn’t even write about it until now.
We had a rather heated discussion about religion–my religion specially, but also religion in general. John really has a real bias against Islam, but admits that it certainly has been good for me. But he is very opposed to organized religion in principle. The ideology bothers him and he uses the argument that so much blood has been spilled in the name of religion and people have been hurt. His problem with Islam is that he had to deal with many Saudis when he worked in London, and found them to be phony and liars. It has colored his view of Islam. His daughter in London was dating a Muslim but broke it off because she knew that if they married and had children, then split, he would take the children. But we agreed to disagree and not discuss it further, because that is not the real problem with me and Sabrina.
I wanted to know from him how telling each other incidents that upset, hurt, or angered us was going to bring us closer together. He said that he was very concerned with her demeanor at the last session, to say nothing about the outburst at the first session. He said he sees her distancing herself from me. He especially noticed that when I spoke to her directly and told her that I loved her and missed her, she was absolutely distant and unmoved. He fears that she is so anger about something that I have lost her right now. He suggested that if I try to get close to her, she will only pull farther away. He thinks that the only thing I can do is to stay away from her, have no contact, and wait until she decides to come to me. I told John that I may be dead by then. I have been so depressed, agorophobic, anxious, and near suicidal, but I did’t tell him the suicidal part. I will share that with Dr. S, but I am very depressed and isolating myself, even though he thinks I am doing okay, that I am better than he has seen me in a long while. I must be a good actress.
So I wrote a “good-bye” letter to Sabrina. I haven’t done anything with it; I probably shouldn’t give it to her. I should leave it to her upon my death. I really don’t know what to do. I know I will rewrite my will myself. I will get forms at Office Depot or someplace like that. I will also change my beneficiary on my retirement and my life insurance policy. She is dead to me, as of now. As I told John, she has a man in her life, and when she has a man in her life, I am cut out of her life.
Cousin John put it well when we talked. Has she forgotten that I gave up my entire life to raise her, to drive her everywhere, that every penny I made went to her. She is just ungrateful and arrogant. And she does NOT really have an education, and she is NOT very intelligent. And she has married 2 people who were number than she is. That’s one reason she married them, I think; SHE was the intelligent one. I hope and pray that her girls never treat her the way she has treated me, but she should not be surprised if one or both of them do.
I sent the girls an email with links to “Nana’s Stories,” and cc’d her so she would know that I was not going behind her back. I guess I even have to cc her on texts. I heard from Pattie, who read a couple stories but nothing from the girls. I have gotten no response about the Chin Fest, no T-shirts, nothing. I realize they are teenagers and are in their own world of “me,” but they don’t seem to realize that responding is only polite and the right thing to do. They may be cut out if my life, too, unless they contact me. I am not going to beg them.
I am unbelievably sad and depressed. I did nothing wrong. Why am I being disrespected and cut out of their lives? One day, they will all wake up and find I am gone, and it will be too late. The way I feel now, that may be sooner rather than later.