Even though I am a Muslim, I am an American and Christmas is embedded into my very fiber. Following the dictates of my religion, I did not decorate for Christmas (apart from a poinsettia plant which I sent to myself and a tiny poinsettia plant that I liked), for Islam says that it is haram to celebrate Christmas. But exchanging gifts and cards and greetings are halal, according to our sheikh, because we are to be good to all people, but especially to then People of the Book (Jews and Christians). That’s why I bought gifts for my daughter and her family and my sister, and sent money to my nieces and nephews and the Toledo kids.
It is 10 a.m. on Christmas morning and I thought I would be okay about Christmas and the possibility of not seeing them for Christmas. Now I’m not so sure if I will be okay with it or not. I thought that Sabrina and I had made enough progress in our therapy to be together. Maybe not. Or maybe there has been no progress with her husband. I certainly am not welcome in their home, that is for sure.
The girls and I decorated cookies and made fudge. I wanted to do something traditional with them. It was a pleasant morning. I enjoyed it and I think they did, too.
My sister sent me a “Merry Christmas’ text, so I sent one back and then called her. It was nice to talk to my family, someone who loves me.
I’m not feeling very loved nor lovable today. One would think, if one were a normal person, that your daughter would have invited you for Christmas dinner or to at least open Christmas gifts. But here it is, 10 a.m. on Christmas morning and I don’t even know if I will hear from my daughter today or not. I tried to think of gifts that would be special for them. I have tried to be pleasant and patience and behave. Nothing I do seems to be enough.
I never hear from my brother although I write him every month or so. I always ask about him when I talk to my sister. He seems to not want anything to do with me either.
Why does the rest of the family seem okay with me? Why do I get along with everyone else? The two people I care so much about have turned away from me. It makes me extremely sad.My head is beginning to hurt and I feel rather depressed. I was hoping that I could just have a quiet day and rest and be at peace if Sabrina did not invite me over. But I guess that I was just fooling myself. I care too much about her and the girls. Christmas, even for a Muslim, is a time that a family should be together. I don’t feel that I am a part of her family, despite all the times John has told us about having ‘different’ families: her family with the girls; her family with the girls and Clint; her family with me and the girls; and her family with me. Somehow she doesn’t seem to see me in her life as any part of her family.
I really hate Clint and what he has done to my relationship with my daughter. I am truly an outcast from that family. There seems to be nothing that I can do to make a place for myself in that family.
I thought that two Christmases ago was the saddest Christmas I had ever had, when she dropped by and tossed a DVD as a present at me and then went off to the movies with Clint, but I was wrong. This is the saddest Christmas. I honestly thought that I could handle it, but I realize now that I cannot help but feel sad that my daughter either wants nothing to do with me or thinks of me only as an afterthought.
I’m so tired of trying to be the person she wants me to be. I guess I’m not. I will never be what Clint wants me to be, because I don’t even know what that is. Dead, maybe. I am feeling suicidal, but I don’t have enough meds to take since I didn’t get to the pharmacy in time. My head hurts, and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It would solve so many problems for so many people. Yes, It would hurt some people, but I would not hurt anymore. And I am so very tired of feeling hurt by people who supposedly love me. I really don’t believe they love of care about me, I’m just around. It is just so tiring trying to be someone to please someone else. I am so tired of it. So tired. So sad. So unwanted.