More Christmas Day Thoughts


Now it’s noon. Still haven’t heard from my daughter. I guess I feel like writing about it since I can’t do anything about her lack of concern or sensitivity to me. I just hope and pray that her daughters never treat her the way she treats me. Inshallah.

Maybe writing about it helps. It gets my feelings out into the air and out of my head and down on a savable format. If I put them on paper, when I die, Sabrina will just throw everything out anyway. I would like to have some way to let my granddaughters and my daughter that is she wants to understand me, she should read what I’ve written. It’s how I best express myself. I can do it through art too. I guess I could scan the art and save it that way. I just don;t want her to toss out everything about me the same way she has tossed me out of her life, like some sort of garbage.

It is the holiday and I do miss my family so much. All of my family, not just the one here, which apparently is not my family. Or at least they don’t think they are. I wonder who they think I am. Just some crazy old woman who comes around from time to time? Who buys them nice things and takes them places? Who helps out when they need help with something?

All I know is that I don’t feel like a part of a family and I feel very sad and depressed. I know there is a Christmas let-down when the holiday is not close to your ideal of the holiday. This not even “not close.” This is being totally ignored. I feel like taking all the gifts and giving them away to somebody–anybody–who might appreciate me and the gifts. Oh, they will want their gifts, but right now, I don’t want to give anyone any gifts. I’m not in the giving spirit. It’s hard to feel cheery and willing to try to make someone happy when they make it so difficult to feel that way.

At this point, I won’t go over there even if Sabrina (or more likely the girls) call and ask me over. I feel like I don’t really have a daughter and a family. I might as well move away and go back to school; I would feel more useful and maybe make friends. I have so few here, which is my own fault. Abudharr is off my “friend” list; haven’t heard from him for a week, which is probably a good thing, because it wasn’t right. Anyone who doesn’t like my dog can go straight to Hell as far as I’m concerned. I am not going to be “the other woman,” even though it was done to me. Maybe because it was done to me.

I have seldom felt so alone and abandoned by so many people. What on earth am I doing here? Why do I stay around? Why do I care?  Can’t I just be alone and live a life? Why do I need people who obviously don’t give a shit about me?

I need to see Dr. S asap next week and I need to get meds that I can take and just go to sleep and never wake up. Two more days of this hell on earth.






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About mairedubhtx

I am a "youngish" grandmother of 15 year old twin granddaughter who has recently (is a year "recent"?) adopted Islam as my way of life, much to the consternation of my family. I love to read. I love to write. I am writing a book about my decision to revert, about my spiritual journey. I have another blog about stories from my youth, my parents, and grandparents. It's a blog so my OCD daughter will not be able to throw it out when I die. I suffer from depression and anxiety, for which I am treated, so my posts may be a bit dark at times. C'est la vie.
This entry was posted in anger, bad mood, bad relationship, being taken advantage of, Christmas, Christmas gifts, creativity, daughter, death, defining moments, depression, despair, dog, feeling like I don't belong, feeling used, my writing, paintings, rejection, relationship issues, sadness, suicide and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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