Funny what a good night’s sleep can do for the mind and the soul. It seems that everything appears the bleakest in the nighttime, especially when the day hasn’t gone so well either. The morning comes, and even though it’s dark when I awake, things seem s little better.
I had a nice long talk with Allah after prayers this morning. I asked for patience and a forgiving heart. But I am no longer going to beg for love from anyone. What a stupid thing to do. Either someone loves you or they don’t. They use you or they don’t. I don’t want to harbor bitterness and resentment toward those who have hurt me, whoever they may be. That is a poison that can only hurt me and my soul. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be a resentful, suspicious person, I need to be cautious with my heart and not allow people to walk on me, but I also don’t want to be colored by bitterness and hatred.
People are who they are. I received so many wonderful messages and calls from family and friends, that those messages really helped me to see who truly cares about me. Even my first ex-husband (the father of my daughter) called! A little intoxicated, but it was out of the goodness of his heart. The first loves of our lives. (Hope he made it home okay.)
My granddaughter sent me a “Merry Christmas” text last night, That was sweet. I hope she and her twin had a good day. I told her I missed her and love her. I hope if makes a difference in her life to know that she has a grandmother who loves her more than life itself.
In the end, I realize, we are all really alone, so what difference does one day make? The difference was of my own making–expectations taht I had set for the day that didn’t materialized. I helped bring on my own despair and misery by relying on those expectations, which were probably not realistic, even though I thought they were. I am confused by the mixed signals I receive from my daughter in therapy. I leave thinking that we have had a “moment,” that we have made progress toward reconciliation. When I saw her Sunday last, we were loving and cordial–she was feeling bad due to her cast on her arm and her husband keeping her up because he was ill. We hugged and said “I love you,” and then talked during the week. Christmas without her or even a call from her came out of the blue for me. I was totally unprepared. That was part of the problem–that I wasn’t expecting that. I expected a nice dinner and gift exchange. The expectations brought on the shock and resentment and bitterness and despair.
I did write her a short, terse email last night, I needed to tell her that I was hurt. I have no idea what effect it will have on our relationship, but therapy with her is over for me. It seems to be doing no good, or only sets me up for things that will not be. There seems to be no point in going forward with therapy if it only leads to unfulfilled expectations and promises of reconciliation that are not met.
I would like to know why yesterday happened the way it did. I really am clueless as to why I was totally ignored by her. I thought long and hard about what, if anything, I had done to deserve such treatment (or lack of treatment) and I honestly could not think of what I had done, intentionally or unintentionally, to bring this about. The only thing I could think that would be her answer was, “You’re Muslim and Muslims don’t celebrate Christmas.” A poor excuse indeed. It is a family day to exchange gifts. For her and her family, it isn’t a religious thing. Religion doesn’t enter her realm of comprehension and experience, though I tried hard to inculcate Christian values in her as she was growing up. But she’s all grown up, and makes her own decisions and lives her own life. (Personally, I believe that in 10 years she won’t even remember what her current husband looked like. She will take his domineering, arrogant attitude until she gets to a break point and — BOOM! All gone.)
Right now, besides a migraine, I am not too bad. I will see the shrink tomorrow because things were not good last night; Allah was with me. (I am thankful I had no pills to take.) I learned from my suffering that there are loving people in the world who care about me; I learned that feelings pass; I learned that I’m stronger than I thought.
Tonight I am going to dinner with a group of Sufis who are coming down from Austin to have dinner at a great Pakistani restaurant here in San Antonio. That’s a good thing about San Antonio; we have many good and great Pakistani restaurants. There are other good things, too, but dinner is uppermost in my mind at the moment. The Riverwalk is good; diversity of population is good; tolerance is good. Those are just a few of the good things.
Now I need to decide if I really want to go back to school for my master’s degree or not. Do I want to make that commitment, knowing that I will probably never use it to make money. I would use it as a volunteer in CASA. But that’s good, right? Doing what you are good at and doing what you like, even if you never make money doing it? I think so, so now I have to decide what I really want to do in terms of education and do I have time to devote to education and to my religion. Will I have the energy to do all what I want to do? (And there is so much I want to do.)
Happy Boxing Day to my British friends, And to my East Coast friends, stay safe and warm.