I Feel As Though I’m Not Really Here


So many ridiculous things have happened in the past 10 days that I truly don’t even know what I’m feeling. I thought things were improving with my daughter until Christmas. When I didn’t even receive a call, I was so incredibly hurt and feel so abandoned. I did send her an email — short — and told her how hurt I was and wondered if our therapy was really helping or not. Apparently a big mistake.

From there I went to the movies with my granddaughters (“Tron-The Legacy,” the worst movie in the world. Another mistake, because I asked the girls if they knew why their mother and step-father seemed to dislike me so much. Apparently that upset the girls. I put them in the middle of something and I should not have. It was a bad day all round, because I cried when I left them because I miss them and the movie was terrible and things with my daughter are terrible.

Sabrina was having a fight on FB with her husband (not unusual) and then asked if Muslim celebrate Christmas. I replied what our sheikh had said about celebrating versus acknowledging, then I sent her a private message explaining more of what the issue was. Then she messaged me back never to call her, text her, or her children or she would have a restraining order taken out. I spent the day after New Year’s in shock over this. I talked to my best friend about it, who knows Sabrina quite well. That helped some.

I went to their house late in  the afternoon and tried to say I was sorry for everything I did that have offended her or the children. The response was a crying, yelling, screaming tirade about all the things that I wrong with me (I used her maiden name to send her flowers–a senior moment, I swear; I’ve done things like that occasionally in other strange instances–when you are 61, memory sometimes slip), what was I spending my money on. She pried into all sorts of things in my personal life; if I wanted to give all my money away to help someone, that is not her business. She said I constantly threw up her borrowing money from me in her face (I asked her once when she was going to make a payment after 6 months of no repayments). She didn’t want me talking to or seeing her father’s 3rd ex-wife (my best friend) because I was being disloyal to her father. (! ) He cheated on ME two wives ago and at least two girlfriends ago and is now sleeping with his best friend’s wife; give me a break!

Today we are supposed to see the therapist again. I feel like there is not point to this. Things go fine as long as I stay in line and don’t question any thing she does. It was MY fault that Christmas was bad because I should have not expected her to call, she was going to call but it got late, I sent her a nasty email, she gave her father my phone number–that is the only reason he call, etc. None of the excuses made sense and were contradictory. She accused me to “doctor shopping” to get pills–not true, but she went from that to more horrible accusations. At least she doesn’t accuse me of being a slut. If anything, she makes fun of me for being too much of a prude. The entire time this “discussion” or rather screaming, yelling, crying tirade was going on, her husband came down and just sat in his recliner glaring at me.

Was I intimidated and feeling like I had made a mistake? You bet. I have a lot of things wrong with me: depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, severe migraine headaches, high blood pressure, kidney problems. IBS, GERD–I could go one. This encounter got us nowhere. I am trying to ignore her and go on with life. But my mental health is getting unstable. I showed up yesterday for an appointment with my shrink that is actually for next week. (Done that before, too.) I slept too late (for me) this morning and went to bed to early. I feel numb. I need to take money from my account to help clean my house which is a mess (I probably am a hoarder), but I have asked for her help for 3 years and she has never helped me, even though she has said she would.

I am ready a book called Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, by the author of The Tipping Point. What he says makes sense; we have an innate sense of when something is not right, when something doesn’t make sense without even analyzing it. That’s how I feel about my son-in-law. There’s something not right; I’ve had the feeling since I first met him a month or two before they married. In the 2 years they have been married, I have “seen” (literally) him less than 12-15 times. This is not normal. There is something wrong. They are always fighting on FB, then she posts how wonderful he is. It’s a sick relationship. I’ve been in enough to know. I don’t know what her control over her is; I don’t know how much he contributes to this. The girls told me that they had an awful Christmas because they were yelled at by Clint because they were not as enthused about their gifts as they should have been.

But I know I can not do this much longer. She twists everything I say into something sick or evil. I don’t want to say anything to her anymore for fear it will be twisted. I may tell the therapist that he should talk to her alone tonight, and I will see him later. I don’t think I can take the sort of session that would develop tonight. I feel that I really now have to do everything for myself and not ever rely on Sabrina and her new family for anything to help me–health-wise or other with anything else, for that matter. She doesn’t want me to contact my granddaughters. They are not stupid; they know this is going on. I will try to text them and hope they are told to block my texts, though that may happen. I will just tell them that I love them and ask how they are. I don’t know what else to do. Sabrina wants me to get new drs because “none of them are helping me.” It is difficult to get in to see my shrink and therapist, and I may have to try to go to someone else to get the intensive help I need. I need to find out if my meds are correct for the depression, which are not helping all that much. Both my shrink and my therapist (who are non-religious) feel that my adoption of Islam has helped me. But all this started after I adopted Islam and then fell completely apart after the dog-bite incident. They see me much more often than my daughter does. They should know something.

Maybe her father’s advice was the right advice: Drive over to her house, barge in, and smack her. (Just kidding)






About mairedubhtx

I am a "youngish" grandmother of 15 year old twin granddaughter who has recently (is a year "recent"?) adopted Islam as my way of life, much to the consternation of my family. I love to read. I love to write. I am writing a book about my decision to revert, about my spiritual journey. I have another blog about stories from my youth, my parents, and grandparents. It's a blog so my OCD daughter will not be able to throw it out when I die. I suffer from depression and anxiety, for which I am treated, so my posts may be a bit dark at times. C'est la vie.
This entry was posted in anger, anxiety, Christmas, daughter, depression, despair, disorganization, feeling like I don't belong, feeling used, incidents with Sabrina, interference in my life, Islam, kidneys, meds, messiness, migraines, movie, normal life, outcast, past events, psychiatrist, reading, reality, rejection, relationship issues, restraining order, Sabrina, sadness, son-in-law, therapist, therapy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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