Suicide


The question for today is “Do people have a right to commit suicide?” Having been suicidal at times in my life, my answer to the question is “yes, but…” Sometimes life is too hard, too difficult to bear. I say this from first-hand knowledge. It seems that there is nothing worth living for or the pain is too much to bear. I suffere from severe clinical depression and were it not for my medications and my wonderful psychiatrist and therapist, I would be dead by by now.

I first considered suicide when the pain from my migraine headaches was unbearable and the doctor could not give me anything to relieve it. I told him I was considering suicide and he sent me to my psychiatrist, who sent me to the therapist after I was somewhat stabilized. My therapist has been wonderful about helping me sort out my life’s problems, now that there is medication that can make life with migraines bearable again.

But my depression is sometimes so severe that I have considered suicide as an option. It is particularly attractive when the people you love most of all are alienated from you. At least this has been the case for me. I have been able to hold on to life by my fingernails at times and then my therapist and psychiatrist have helped me sort through the difficulties of abandonment and life in general. I don’t have a large support system to help me through the “down” times and have to rely on my therapist and psychiatrist to pull me through the dark days. Even today which is a normal day for me when I have normal things to do, suicide as a thought is not very far away. I dread the bad days when the suicidal thoughts are foremost in my mind.

What helps me pull back and stop? The thoughts about my granddaughters and my dogs are the two biggest deterrents to suicide for me. However, in the past year, even thoughts of these beautiful girls and my furry children have been in a battle for my soul when feelings of severe depression and abandonment hover nearby. So far, they have won.

My psychiatrist tells me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I try to remind myself of that. That has helped me through some bad days. But sometimes the situation is so dismal that it is difficult to fight off the thoughts of suicide. It is a little scary but when you have feelings that are so depressed that is is difficult to see any light, it becomes a viable option.

Who are you to tell me to live when I truly believe that the world would be better off without me? When I truly believe that my daughter would be happier not to have to deal with her mother? When my daughter has shut me out of her life and threatens to take my precious granddaughters away from me? Who are you to tell me that it is better to live? For what? More misery and depression? Yes, people have the right to commit suicide. I say that based on my own opinions and feelings on the subject, since it has been so close to me.

As for euthanasia, I can absolutely understand that if someone is in pain from an illness and that pain is unbearable, they should be allowed to slip peacefully into that dark slumber which is death. No one can judge what another person can bear. There should be medications that prevent the horrible pain of diseases such as cancer and those medications should be given freely to patients. Who really cares is they are addicted to them? They are dying. Anything to bring them relief is good. It is when the pain becomes unmanageable that people should be allowed to decide if they want to go through anymore with the help of their physicians. Relatives should NOT decide on euthanasia. It’s not their business. It is between the patient and physician, and them alone.

This has been a rather heavy post. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t at least give a passing thought to suicide. That is the result of my disease and my circumstances in life. They are mine to deal with and no one else’s. I’m sorry if this is an upsetting post for some, but it is the way I feel about life and I do not take it lightly. I’m still here.

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About mairedubhtx

I am a "youngish" grandmother of 15 year old twin granddaughter who has recently (is a year "recent"?) adopted Islam as my way of life, much to the consternation of my family. I love to read. I love to write. I am writing a book about my decision to revert, about my spiritual journey. I have another blog about stories from my youth, my parents, and grandparents. It's a blog so my OCD daughter will not be able to throw it out when I die. I suffer from depression and anxiety, for which I am treated, so my posts may be a bit dark at times. C'est la vie.
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8 Responses to Suicide

  1. The Hook says:

    I don’t have the skill to handle such a topic, so my hat is off to you! Very well done.

  2. This is a very courageous post. I, for one, am glad you’re here.

  3. I can’t/won’t apologize for choosing life. I’m determined not to let those who’ve hurt me have the satisfaction of knowing they caused my demise. I’m tougher than that. I believe you are too. You’re more courageous than you give yourself credit for. It takes a lot of strength not to give up. Don’t count yourself out quite yet, okay? Even a cup of coffee while watching the sun rise, if that is all life has to offer you right now, is better than the alternative…I promise you. A dirt nap is forever. And forever is an awfully big sacrifice to make when you still have so much to offer. You’re my new friend, and I take no embarrassment in saying that you would be missed by me.

  4. bibirich says:

    hey,
    although i am really young, i often think about suicide.
    i am living through all of this alone and in a dark world. my friend once told me that suicide is the easy way to get through all this pain. so i hope that you think the same if ever you think about suicide again. My mother is really worried about me. i keep all those feelings to myself and don’t ever tell anyone how i feel. i am with you, although i am not a mother yet, i am able to understand you. I don’t want to be the one leaving everyone/everything behind, because all i want, is go at my dad’s funerals and say ”motherfucker, thats what you desearve! you’ve made me suffer so much, not it is time for you to suffer in hell.” i hope you feel better. if you ever want to talk about anything, well i’m there, i know how it feels to feel alone without anyone beside us to help us, so i don’t wish anyone in this world to feel the same.

    • mairedubhtx says:

      My shrink told me that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems and she was right. I have been through many bad things and thought seriously about taking my life but I’m glad I haven’t because the good parts make up for the bad parts. Don’t take the easy way out because there is no going back. If you are young, you have a lot of life ahead of you and you don’t know what good things you’ll be missing. Don’t do it.

  5. Connor says:

    I don’t know if I want to be here either.

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