The Longest Grudge

I usually don’t hold grudges I am normally a very forgiving person. I forgive for me, so that I don’t hold on to the poison that holding grudges brings when you don’t forgive people and move on.

That being said, I have been holding onto a grudge that I can’t seem to make myself forgive for the past 8 years. It’s been long enough but due to the circumstances of the offense, I just have not been able to get myself to forgive and get over this.

I still hold a grudge against my second husband for the way he ended our marriage. I had just driven almost 200 miles home from my job in Austin after my first week back at work from being on disability. I went first to my appointment with my therapist, and was nervous about going home. I knew my husband was angry with me so I was apprehensive. When I pulled into out driveway, there was a strange car and a man standing outside. I wondered why my husband didn’t come out to see what he wanted. When I got out of the car and went to see what he wanted, he served me with divorce papers. There was my husband standing on the front porch. I was in total shock, because we had talked about divorce briefly and he said he wouldn’t divorce me. He “explained” that everyone he talked to said that he should divorce me. I don’t know who the “everyone” was, but he had lied to me and refused to try to work things out, apparently. He was holding a grudge too.

I still have not been able to get over this betrayal and just pure meanness. I have not seen him in probably seven years and have no desire to see him. I still am angry for the way he did this; it was cowardly and mean. So I still hold a grudge and have yet to forgive him for all that he did to me.

I was able to forgive my first husband relatively quickly and move on with life and maintain a civil relationship for the sake of our daughter. I occasionally see him and I wish him the best. That is not so with my second husband. I hope he is miserable and alone for the rest of his life. I hope someone does something as rotten to him as he was to me. Yes, I still hold a grudge after all these years and I will not let it go anytime soon. So there is no closure to this for me, since I can’t forgive and move on. I wish I could but the hurt goes too deep. He lied to me and knew I was still sick from my disability and had to go to a job in a far-away city; it was not an easy life. He made me leave my beloved pets and then held a box of my things hostage until my therapist called him and intervened to get my belongings back. He was so nasty and mean that I just can’t forgive him. I know it’s not good for me, but I can’t bring myself to forgive such a mean person who didn’t care how much he hurt me. I really do not wish good for him. I hope he still has a rotten relationship with his children and rarely sees his brother and sister, who are equally as mean-spirited as he is. Can’t help it. I’ve tried to be forgiving but in this case, I just can’t. The grudge remains.

About mairedubhtx

I am a "youngish" grandmother of 15 year old twin granddaughter who has recently (is a year "recent"?) adopted Islam as my way of life, much to the consternation of my family. I love to read. I love to write. I am writing a book about my decision to revert, about my spiritual journey. I have another blog about stories from my youth, my parents, and grandparents. It's a blog so my OCD daughter will not be able to throw it out when I die. I suffer from depression and anxiety, for which I am treated, so my posts may be a bit dark at times. C'est la vie.
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3 Responses to The Longest Grudge

  1. I can’t forgive my ex either. It’s been 4 1/2 years since he announced he wanted a divorce, almost 4 since he left. I was also sick when he decided he wanted to end our marriage. My feeling is that Jesus may forgive him, but I’m not Jesus and I can’t.
    As long as he stays the heck out of my life – doesn’t try to contact me, doesn’t send me crummy flowers – the anger isn’t front and center. It’s almost a year since I had to see him and if I never see him again, that will be too soon. He ruined my life in so many ways, he doesn’t deserve to see me.

  2. The Hook says:

    Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re only human. Beautifully honest post.

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