About Mairedubhtx (Dark Mary, TX)

I am a youngish (I think) grandmother of twin 17-year-old granddaughters. I have recently adopted Islam as my way of life. I have a rocky relationship with my daughter since she married her second husband. I suffer from depression and anxiety; I sometimes feel suicidal though not as often as I used to. Yes, I do take meds and see a shrink and a therapist and have for years.

I have been married twice to emotionally unavailable men, men who seem to have little feeling except for themselves. The first one, my daughter’s father, cheated on me and then left to marry again, and again–then wife number 3 left HIM. Now he’s had 3 girlfriends in the past 3 years. Just needs a woman, I’d guess. The second one (I was wife number 4) believed that to display any emotion except anger was a weakness. He was jealous of my relationship with my daughter (he doesn’t speak to his children because they are not perfect); he was jealous of my love of my work. I was sick with migraine headaches the entire 10 years I was with him. He divorced me because I didn’t meet his expectations.

Are there any people who marry for love and keep their vows? I really wonder. Are there any relationships in which people accept you for who you really are? I really wonder about that, too.

Would just going to sleep and never waking up take away all the terrible pain and hurt? I am Muslim, and I know suicide is wrong, but could GOD ever forgive me for not being able to take any more pain in this life.

I have recently become committed to fighting for gun control in the United States, for taking the baby steps to reinstate the ban on the sale of assault-type weapons and large clips pf ammunition, and also on closing the loophole on gun show background checks. The events of the months that ended 2012 shook me to my core and energized me to take action to fight for what i believe in–that no one needs an assault weapon to hunt or for protection and no one needs 10 bullets to kill a deer; that everyone who buys a gun needs to undergo a background check, no matter where they buy their weapon. And we need to do a better job of identifying treating mental illness in this country.

13 Responses to About Mairedubhtx (Dark Mary, TX)

  1. seeker2008 says:

    I really like your blog and your openness and honesty. 🙂 Thanks for posting what you do


  2. Just a footnote.. not many would be so open about their private life, thanks for sharing. 🙂

  3. LindaLou says:

    I married for love 28 years ago. I am still married to that man he is the love of my life. I have many friends like me in this regard.

    I’m sorry you are struggling so much right now, but there are people who accept each other for who they are. I know this from experience and I pray you will meet people like this.

    God accepts you, suicidal thoughts and all, for who you are.

    • mairedubhtx says:

      Thank you for your kind words. I’m more or less at peace where I am now. I too pray that I will meet people who truly accept one another as they are.

  4. adeeyoyo says:

    I know what you have been through. Happiness with a partner has eluded me and I have got to the stage that perhaps it’s not meant to be. Just remember that God is Love and will forgive you anything you have done and truly regret. Don’t throw your life away as things will get better. God bless you.

  5. tayyabaadnan says:

    I am a Muslim too, but I am not as comfortable announcing it in public as you are (I know it’s not a good thing, I am working on it). Hope that you find inner peace and all your worries disappear and that you meet nice people to spend the rest of your life with.

  6. TheIdiotSpeaketh says:

    I have been battle the Depression Demons for years my friend…. I started a Private Facebook Support group for my blog family members that suffer from Depression and would be honored to have you in the group if you are ever interested. It is totally private, and no one on FB can even see that you are in the group. (If you even do Facebook) I have found it helpful to know that there are other friends out there in blogville battling the same Demons. If you are ever interested, I am Mark G. Pakulak on FB. Send me a msg and I will be happy to add you. Have a great day! 🙂

  7. Josef Sefton says:

    May God bless you Mary with increased hope in finding enduring acceptance and love.

    I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I have found acceptance and sustaining love in following Him.

    In John 4 in the new Testament of the holy Bible Jesus talks with a Samaritan woman. You can read the The Woman at the Well story at John 4:1-42.

    Reading and trusting and obeying the words of Jesus was the first step toward discovering my true identity and finding fulfillment in my life through God’s gracious, transforming love.

  8. Le Clown says:

    Dark Mary,
    I have decided to follow you even though I am #19 on your blogroll. You’re welcome.
    Le Clown
    PS: Please disregard my PM. Seems I can write, but not read….

  9. Nicole Marie says:

    http://wordsandotherthings.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/liebster-blog-award/ Hope you had a great weekend, Mary – I’ve nominated you for the liebster blog award!

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