If I could have had a conversation with myself ten years ago, knowing what I know now, I would have told myself to get out of my loveless marriage that was stressing me out. There is no honor in keeping your vows to someone who doesn’t appreciate and subscribe to those vows, too. It is not coincidence that Doug doesn’t really want to go to counseling with you. It isn’t coincidence that he cannot follow the simplest of directions from the therapist: “Repeat what you just heard her say.” He could not do that simple thing. He could not listen to anything you were saying because he is too much into himself and what he wants and what he feels. He doesn’t love you. He is just looking for an excuse to break up your marriage, not save it. And that day will come as soon as you are honest with him about your situation. He will see that as an excuse for divorce. It is not worth the depression and anxiety and worry about him to do all you are doing to save your marriage. You have lost yourself. Everything you do is for him and about him. It will not change. He will show you no compassion, no mercy when you come to him with the problem.
Don’t spend another minute in this marriage that is a sham. He cares only for himself, yet he will try to put on a good show by accompanying you to your doctor’s appointments and therapist’s appointments. He only does this because he doesn’t trust you. That’s why he doesn’t want you working in Austin. He doesn’t trust you and can’t control you there. You think you love him and care about him, and maybe you do care about him, but you don’t love him. And he doesn’t love you because you aren’t the woman he fantasized about. You will never measure up to that fantasy. He was in love with a fantasy, the woman he believed you to be in his mind. But you can never be that woman and he was stupid for loving a fantasy.
You will miss some of your intellectual discussions but you won’t miss his value system and his moodiness, his retreat into himself, his not talking about or having any emotions. Remember, he told you the only good emotion in his family was anger. It is true to him, too. He doesn’t want to have any emotions, so he suppresses all of them except anger. He can;t hear anything you say and doesn’t care about what you say. He only wants to lecture you about what he thinks. You aren’t really having a discussion. You are just someone for him to lecture. He doesn’t care what you think or how you feel. He doesn’t believe how sick you are and how you feel. He cares only for himself.
Get out! Get out now before you are hurt and betrayed more than you are now. And while you’re leaving, don’t think that your daughter is going to do anything to help you. You have helped her all her life, but she feels beholding to you because of it. And it makes her angry and she doesn’t want you interfering in her life. She wants to live her own life and you are not part of it, She wants to make her own way in the world and you are not included until she needs you in an emergency, You will do whatever she wants, but she will not do anything you ask of her. Just be aware of this. Do what you want to do for her, but never expect anything in return.
Remember these two things and you will have less heartache and and gain more of yourself.
That’s what I would say to myself ten years ago.